Must have been inspired by trueblood

I dreamt I took a long trip down town, to see therapists there I hadn't seen in years. They gave me good advice and soon i was journeying down a winding river. First I journeyed by myself, with a young companion back at shore. The young companion as a male and he was in love with me. I made my journey down to the dangerous end of the river, shooting the monsters with my questionable weapons. The second time i went down the river, I did so with Chris. He arranged everything as a testimony of his love for me. The river ran through downtown, and so we stopped at the therapist's place. The therapist's place turned into a bar at the edge of a swampy lagoon. At first I was drinking with my friends. My niece Taira was there, and when she left I began to object. If we were leaving this early I'd have drunk more, I protested. She ran from me as I tried to hold her back, along with her friend. They had a winning lottery ticket and weren't going to share. I flew up into their boat as they tried to escape, flinging them into the water. They died and I stayed there, working at the bar. I put on short shorts without any underwear on, and I got several scandalous piercings on my nipples and between my legs. I tried on hair extensions and got ounces of blow that I kept in my room. There was a man who worked there, a supervisor, and when I told him about my niece, he insisted I check the outside again. So I did, and another person was leaving. I stopped him, and made several hundred dollars in the process. I did a lot in the course of working for the bar, even clearing the parking lot, which was full of dilapidated trailers. One trailer had an old sick woman and a dead cat inside, and I pushed through to the front of the house bravely, opening the front door like my supervisor had said. Soon all the trailers were gone and there was only red brick paving instead. It looked clean and neat and was a vast improvement. At some point and for a brief while, my throat was slit. Someone asked me about the gash in my neck, and I responded as I would if he had commented on any old wound. "Would yu like to touch it?" I asked. He declined. Oh and when i changed into those shorts, I invited Masuka, the Asian forensics analyst from Dexter, to watch me undress. Weird pick right?! he's so ugly.

Dreaming continued

I had another lucid dream. I have them just about every day. This one was about a glowing red heart necklace with long black ties that hung down to my knees. I lived in a small cluttered house with several others. We entered and exited through the roof. There was a love interest and we humped several times (it felt like nothing, just like getting hit in a dream feels like) but most of the time was spent kicking ass and taking names, thanks to the necklace and the bionic attachments that came with it. In the end my mother bought me the toy (because I had "been quiet all morning"), and we went through the dreamscape flea market together, stopping to eat (again it tasted like nothing). My mother stopped to buy some pills. Not sure what that was about as the guy she bought them from looked kinda shady. Then I dreamt that I was helping another necklaced lady escape from a sinister restaurant where two famous movie actors had left her. Poor thing, they didn't even look at her as they left, and she was sent to the back room where all the necklaced girl's worked in secret. We escaped to a crystal cavern where I was promptly licked awake by my dog.

I'm not sure what all of it means, but I am sure it was tons of fun.

A lucid dream

I was visiting different lucid dream hubs which were bustling communities with various activities. One community in particular stood out, and I endeavored to visit it once more, this time with gold in my hand. The other people in my party took the gold however, and this one place (fraught with elves, a castle and magic) seemed unwelcoming to me. I passed two men and rounded to speak to them. After I spoke to them about my gold, they confessed their jobs. "Our job is merely to keep yu from figuring out who our boss is and sending bats into his belfry." And after a second I knew who their master must be. Balthazar, my lover. "Where is he?" I cried and rose to rush to him. But I was shunted out of that place (as happens sometimes) and taken after a moment of formlessness to another.This place was more modern and styled after a modern bank/hospital. I knew from previous dreams that my lover's country had been ravaged by war and technological disaster, and now more than ever I wanted to return to it, my favorite lucid dream hub. I said hello to a woman passing. she said hello and was very responsive. Again I marveled at how clear my vision was. I confessed to her I was stoned, and that I had a life and couldn't be bothered to sleep sober, and was she sober? "of course" she replied. I felt guilty and moved on, this time to the banker. I wanted to rebuild an entire country, and the banker quoted an astronomically high number of gold (twenties of thousands) But made no mention of how I didn't have that much gold. She said "Yu'll have to take it in trips." And I realized then that perhaps my help would be unwelcome. I wanted to rush to Balthazar and tell him what I was doing, hoping he would take me into his arms and say thank yu. I (literally) swam through layers of dream to reach him, shifting shadows much like an Amberite. He was in a cavernous room at the end of a hallway behind enormous amoured doors. He had a figure on either side and he looked like a hellish beast*. All he did was lay eyes on me and the heavens shook. I tried to explain, after I had moved forward and taken him into my arms, winding my body around his, but I was knocked backwards from the room, away from my lover. Doors that had been open slammed shut, and through the grate of the bars I could see my lover's (inner)lion slam against the closed door, stopped in an effort to come after me. I was shunted away again, this time to an earth bound spacship with some serious rules (again which I knew from previous dreams) So I obeyed the moment and went to class, after first drinking liqour from a bottle. This was also the place of the blood pearl, and I could feel a familiar desire to go after it. To have the blood pearl in yr possession is to be marked one of the most beautiful people on this prison like luxury liner. The process of obtaining it involved bathing in magical menstrual blood. But I resisted the pull. I had already worn the blood pearl once. I wanted my king, and wound up leaving class early. I wandered around the ship some, looking for a way back to my favorite place, when I got a note saying that my unexplained absence from class was not appreciated. I was due to watch a movie with a class soon, so I returned to my studies. I marveled at how clear the movie was, and wondered how long the clarity would last before my dreaming attention wandered off again. It took a long moment, and we where watching fight club like movies. When I did shift, so did the setting. The school moved in location, and as no longer a luxury ship with highly guarded exits. Every Thursday and Friday night exits were allowed here, and it happened to be Friday night. I took an air elevator(the class was in a high rise) and moved in on my favorite country from above. I landed outside the castle's back door. About two blocks to the east I saw a tall (about 17 feet tall) statue of a woman in flowing garments. I knew instinctively it was a statue meant to magically protect the children within. Child custody was one of the things the war had been about, and right away I realized the significance of this place. I was shunted out again. This time I was in the old time tavern, one of the first lucid dream hubs that ever started to recur in my dreams. I had fond memories of the place, but my vision was hazy (which makes interacting with the locals hard) so I endevoured to leave right away. I swam back to the bank/hospital and once there I was expected to go to group, which involved another movie, and afterwords a chat with the counselor. I was shunted out about halfway through the movie, back to the land of my lover. Here there was a house for hiding women who had escaped from the luxury liner with their children. Here the victems of the war hid from an evil woman, the demon's ex lover. I travelled to the house, thinking that herer I would find the solutiuon to my troubles with finding my lover.Inside was an open but partioned room filled with beds along walls, child dolls sitting on the edge of beds. Here and there there were syringes and square glass bottles of liquid. I knew this must be protection magic, and soI took on of the glass bottles (like a perfume bottle) and one of the syringes, and I drew the liquid into the syringe, before sistting out my arm. I looked around for a good vein before i realized that since this wasn't real, i didnt need a real vein. After I realized this i simply shot the liquid into my arm, where it dispersed just fine. The room then began to fill up with women, returning from the castle I longed to return to. A man made an announcement, saying that the evil woman had been spotted, and that she was expected to arrive shortly. I couldn't decide where to hide, because I wanted a view of the door as well as protection, and finally I settled for scooting closer to the door. i could hear people talking about me, the new girl, and they speculated with a mixture of anger and laughter that i would be the one singled out for an attack. They were right, but I was not the kind of attack I expected. I saw the glow of her lantern through the glass windows on the doors as she approached. But as the door opened she struck, and i was shunted away again. I returned to group, the video now over, in a one on one consultation with my counselor. He handed me a note on my performance, and I had to cringe. I could never write during a dream, Nor could i read. But one glance at the note said I was clear writing, ina font I recognized. I wanted to groan. how could he manage such a thing? I stashed the note away, knowing it was pointless to try to read it. And then I rose and headed for the door, ready to try once again to return to my lover.

*Notes: My eyes were only for my lover at that point, and so the description of the figures beside him escapes me entirely except for one fact: they were shorter than my lover. I have thought about them and wonder if maybe they were my lover's captors? But there's no way to know for certain.

Also it was easy to get distracted throughout the dreaming process, and I was tempted into trying several foods along the way, especially in the old time tavern, which is a place where they sell food and drink. Eating food in a dream is a pale imitation. Try too earnestly to taste it and yu'll likely be tasting yr own morning breath mouth (something of a shock) but if yu relax and take the little taste yu do get from it, yu find that it's like a whiff of perfume, fleeting but real.

And finally, my lover looked a lot like the bad guy from the lord of the rings movie. Yu know, the super evil overlord but maybe with a more demonic build.

Change

Nothing changed in my life for a long time, and so I haven't really been posting. This past week, however, has seen an end to one long time tradition. We no longer live with Chris' mother and best friend, but rather we have an apartment of our own to call home now.

For over a month now Chris has said that he wanted to move because of the way his mother treats us, because of the arguments between me and the other Chris. I have wanted to get away from that insufferable roomate and Blondie's nagging ways.

I nearly got into a fist fight with Chris2 this past Sunday morning, and that was the last straw. We've been out of there since Tuesday, when I first got out of the hospital(I had been depressed and the drama sent me over the edge).

The hospital was yr usual horrid place filled with the usual loonies. One fellow had blacked out and killed a man with his bare hands in years past, and now realized that he was paranoid, delusional. Another fellow talked as if he was on a phone, right into his hand. Then he started to get undressed and we all started yelling at him. "I'm just taking a shower." He said, though there were no showers, no water to use. They had to take down three of the patients during the twenty four hours I spent in central intake. Shots in the ass for all of them. The next twenty four hours was somewhat better, being provided with a bed (rather than the floor like in central intake) cooked food (rather than still partially frozen microwave dinners) and a book so I could read (rather than having to talk to my fellow admitees).

The new apartment is older than I would have liked (the kitchen cabinets aren't that nice. One of the pantry boards is curved into a vague U shaped), but it's ours and spacious for the price. We're still moving stuff in around Chris' work schedule but we hope to be done fairly soon.

This of course marks the end of my days being unemployed, and I hope to have a job soon. We simply need the money too badly.

We did, of course, bring the dog with us.

Book of the Month

Pride and Prejudice
and Zombies: The Classic Regency Romance

Things couldn't be much better, and I'm glad because my birthday was a dissapointment. today however, despite the fight with the roomate, went well. I'm stocked up on good reading, I have toys that delight me, and Chris and I are in perfect sync.

Can't hardly wait

It's three pm and everything ha taken on that sureal, washed out quality that only a night without sleep produces. Blondie gives us dirty looks as she passes. we spent the night away from home, the dog, and normalcy. we spent it high out of our mind, engaging in debaucherous sex and talking about our deepest darkest secrets.

It's been a long time since I felt so spent and exhausted. Im far too tired and grouchy to sleep.

I feel bad for angel, and his shyness. I felt bad that i don't care all that much. i have written it off as not my problem, and we left the poor sot to figure it out himself.

I'm watching celebrity rehab and asking myelf if I need the same treatment. there was a time when I had periods of being productive, but no more. people might look at me, and wonder. I drink and I sing and i spend my time in frivolous pursuits.

My boyfriend loves me, and we have great fun together. I don't know where my place is in this life, so why not with him, in this pleasant idyll? I can't help but worry. it's all too easily a house of cards, so easily workable today, so easily lost tomorrow. there is that ever present fear, the vigilance against change.

none of it, not the fear or the doubts, not the wishes of self betterment, is enough to make me care. None of it penetrates through the unshakable perception of life as one endless dream, tedious, repetitive and altogether meaningless, false, gossamer. Nightmare or fantasy, I wake up with nothing to show for it, the danger is not real, the problems only shallowly inconvenient.

Have yu ever woken up in a dream? The context falls away in a sudden rush. Everything yu were doing, everything yu strove for becomes moot, forgotten, and the moment of exploitation is upon yu. Should yu know what it's like to fly? Have sex with a secret desire? It comes to what yu can do, and what's already at hand. Life is like that for me.

Once upon a time, baker acted for my safety by the state of Florida, I lay in my bed in the psych ward of the hospital, calmly ready to dissolve my soul and die already. I was so bored. I cared so little. i hated the trite problems so much. I felt myself rise out of my body, and i began to let go of my idea, my self, but I became frightened. I know it's hard to believe that someone could die that way, but I felt myself dissolving, and suddenly it was too real, i was dying and I was afraid. So i stopped, recollected. I did the next best thing. I let myself soar upward at incredible speeds, I tried to pass every veil. I climbed up thousand of pale marble steps with words or numbers carved into each one, carvings i couldn't understand. i came to a small, suburban home at the top of the steps. Perfectly modern, perfectly cliche. I went to the door, and a woman like me, only older, opened it, invited me inside. The only furniture was a single round table. there were no chairs, nor anything else. She had, I knew, two colleagues, or maybe helpers, but they were invisible, I could not see them.

I began to complain.

who was responsible for this life I had been given, I wanted to know. The abusive father with eyes that frightened anyone, the crazy sisters, the mother with no morals, sweet and heartrendingly young in soul, so petty in an instant, so caring when yu wanted to forget her. Who arranged for me to see the world as I did, I demanded. everything is swirling clouds of atoms i complained, nothing is real. Trees unnerve me with their constancy. the trees are driving me mad I yelled. What a piss poor job i declared. People become confused when i speak to them. i have nothing in common with anyone. No one satisfies me. I went on like this for a while, and all the while the dark haired woman, the woman in who's image I could have been made, said nothing.

When I had spent myself she was unphased. She spoke only briefly. " I was hoping yu would take advantage" was all she said. She immediately sent me down, plummeting, slamming me back into my body.

It has been years since that day at the hospital, and the words have never ceased to ring in my ears.

The advice seemed sound enough, applicable to my situation at the moment. I began to conider that I had demanded all too much from life, and maybe I would do myself a service to take it less seriously. Years later I can say that the advice has done good things for me so far. The trees no longer make me feel dizzy. My friends are more satisfying. I have learned to love my father, to let his sins go. i have learned to care for my mother from a safe distance. i know I have done poorly, by many peoples standards, in making a productive life for myself, but for me there is simply no deeper meaning, no deeper striving to be had. I am awoken in a gossamer dream, and the moment of exploitation is upon me.